HAPPY GERIATRIC BIRTHDAY TO ME!

As I sit and write this a few weeks before my 35th birthday, I can’t help but to feel a sense of bitter sweetness. This is not the feeling I’d like to have as I approach a monumental birthday during a pivotal moment in my life - how dare I feel even the slightest sense of bitterness when I’m approaching another year on this earth after such a life shaking health diagnosis?! How dare I not focus on the blessings that the Lord has given me… except that I am focused on my blessings and I am grateful for my blessings. I’m most certainly grateful to see another year around the sun during such a challenging time in my life.

However…

The truth is… it saddens me to know that I am entering the year of the biological clock, the big 3 5, the year that you should have babies by… the year that starts the term “geriatric pregnancy” aka the “advanced maternal age” for those who are 35 years of age & older when expecting… the year that I presumably won’t be having babies (unless it’s God’s will of course).

Let me elaborate: Prior to having chemo treatment #8, I met with my doctor to discuss how things were going (all fine, thank you Jesus) and I questioned her on how long I should wait before trying to conceive - assuming all is going well as planned. The answer: 2 years post treatment. Hmph. Not the answer I want to hear, understandable, but ughhhh. That puts me at 37 years old TO START- real geriatric, huh?! Ok I know I may be a bit dramatic because nothing about me feels old or geriatric or senior citizen ish - well except maybe the fact that I have doctor appointments every other week - but 37?!?!?! Two more years?! Possibly giving birth at 38?!?! As if I haven’t given this dutty diagnosis enough of my time?! Yea, that’s the feeling. Quite the unexcitement.

Oh but it get’s better. They must be selling audacity for the pennies these days cause surely I’m buying it. The audacity of me to even be a little somber over this when I actually FROZE MY EGGS. Yes, I froze my eggs at the start of this year so, I have a back up plan - so why am I mad?! I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s because I’m ready to start a family now or maybe very soon (like sooner than 2 years from now) or if it’s just the fact that I feel limited in my options or because I don’t actually want to go through IVF and would prefer to conceive naturally.

However, the real audacity is me thinking about pregnancy in 2 years when I need to keep my focus on the present; like girl, how ‘bout we get through this year?! But I’d like to call that faith rather than audacity.

As I continue to hold onto my faith I rest assured that God has BIG plans for me, bigger than I can imagine. So I’ll take a paige out of Mother Mary’s book and remain faithful in His plans for me knowing that anything is possible with God on my side and I must not question what those plans are.

So celebrate with me as I hang up the bitterness and rest in the sweetness of 35…