GRIEF
“People talk about the stages of grief, but there is a stage of depression — at least for me — where you go from feeling pain so acutely you can’t bear it, to feeling nothing at all.”
If you’ve ever experienced the loss of a loved one then you may have experienced the five stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Having lost three grandparents within a three year time span, I’ve certainly experienced grief - and in some ways I still feel as if I’m going through that process, because, is grief really ever over?! However, this article is not about grief in the sense of losing others, instead, it is about grieving the loss of yourself.
Have you ever felt like you missed the “old you?” Have you ever grieved what your life use to be like? Have you ever reflected on how much a life altering experience changed you and took away the “old you?”
Maybe you moved across the country and you now live a totally different life than you expected. Maybe you got married, settled down and had adorable little babies that completely changed your life and got rid of the “old you.” Or maybe you received a life changing diagnosis that changed the trajectory of your life, took away a sense of your beauty and put a stain on your health that changed you forever.
This is what it feels like to receive a cancer diagnosis… well for me at least. I miss the “old me.” I grieve the “old me” and what she use to look like and feel like. The “old Cassie” that did not have to worry about what to eat or when to take medication. The “old me” that did not require three or four hour naps. The “old me” that religiously sat in the hair salon every other week to get a perm or freshen up my pixie or just kick it with my girls. The me that fit into a size 4 jeans with no problem. The me that did not have an ugly scar stamped across my chest with a bulging disc below it to remind me that the “old me” is no longer me. Much less, the “old me” that did not have to worry about if a cancer diagnosis would truly rid itself from my body or if it would rear its ugly head back into my life.
These are the changes that I have to embrace but that has been no easy feat. At the start of my journey I understood that I would experience some of these changes, like losing my hair or getting a port inserted into my chest that would leave a lifelong scar. However, some changes were unexpected and have been harder to embrace.
Despite the physical modifications that my body has experienced, the mental gymnastics are the true challenge. That is where the “denial” stage of grief sinks into my mind as I casually and randomly think to myself “I can’t believe I was diagnosed with cancer. I cant believe I’m going through this. I can’t believe I look like this!” At times it’s truly unbelievable and charges me into a state of disbelief that leaves me unsure and upset about the next steps of my life… “What do I do next?! How do I embrace these changes? Why did God want me to experience this? How do I live a fulfilling and purposeful life after this? How will this affect my career?!?!”
When left with more questions than answers, anger sets in. I try my best not to be angered by the situation that I’m in or the diagnosis that I received because I am not exempt from cancer or any health diagnosis. I do not question God or ask “why me?” Instead, I try to embrace this diagnosis and deal with the “what’s next?” rather than the “why me?” However, knowing that it takes away from my vibrancy, youthfulness and healthiness aggravates my spirit and discourages me from embracing the “new Cassie” but it’s not the end of the world and sometimes change is good.
So as I continue to grieve the “old me” and embrace the “new me” I will remind myself that change is good and God has great plans for the “new Cassie.”
“FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU, DECLARES THE LORD, PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE AND A FUTURE.’’
— Jeremiah 29:11-14
If you or a loved one has experienced change in a similar manner and/or grieve the “old you” I encourage you to embrace the change and adopt a new perspective on life. Allow yourself to accept your feelings as they are, whether it be sadness, depression or anger; but don’t live in those feelings. Instead, use those feelings to push you into a higher appreciation for life and the rollercoaster of changes that come with it. After all, do we really want to live life as the same person forever and ever? Do we want to be complacent with the person we were rather than the person we can grow to be? Or should we be elated to know that God thought of us as so special that He provided us with a “new look” on life? As I embrace my changes and accept this new perspective of life, I encourage you to do the same. Oh and remember, God wouldn’t give this to you if He didn’t believe you could handle it. 😉
“GOD DOESN'T GIVE THE HARDEST BATTLES TO HIS TOUGHEST SOLDIERS, HE CREATES THE TOUGHEST SOLDIERS THROUGH LIFE'S HARDEST BATTLES.”
— Unknown
