I AM NOT MY HAIR… I GUESS
“I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations, no…”
I hear you India, but it sounds better than it feels. No, I am not my hair, however, I miss my hair. I miss my perm. I miss my pixie. I miss my hair creams, shampoos and conditioners. I miss the option of doing my hair; but, with chemo those options have quickly dwindled down to one style: a haircut.
Prior to starting treatment I cut my hair down low. If you know me you know my signature look is a short pixie cut. I may dibble and dabble in braids, locs or weaves at times, but I always revert back to my pixie. So you’d think I barely have room to complain seeing that I’ve always worn my hair low. However, that little bit of hair that made me stand out is the little bit of hair that I miss. Honestly, going into this season I didn’t know that I’d miss my hair as much as I have. I was quite proactive and accepting of the fact that I’d lose my hair during this journey which is why I had my hairstylist shave it down low just a week before starting treatment. That optimism quickly changed as my hair shedded down to the floor and was swept away.
I know my hair will grow back, possibly even thicker and softer as doctors and friends say… but I still miss my hair. However, it’s time to let go and embrace change. Embrace the baldie. Embrace the new hair texture. Embrace the baby hairs.
If you’re going through this challenging journey or one of a similar sort, here are a few hair changes to expect when going through chemotherapy:
Well, firstly, everyone does not lose hair during chemotherapy treatment. It all depends on the treatment you are receiving for your specific type of cancer. However, as I’ve seen with others, and now myself, hair loss is expected when treating Classic Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.
If you do lose hair, you may not lose ALL of your hair. The typical bald head seen on most cancer patients is not the case for everyone - me being one of them. Gratefully, I have not lost all of my hair down to my scalp, however, I have shed and lost a great amount of hair. This too, is not the case for everyone. I’ve seen others diagnosed with lymphoma and other cancers lose ALL of their hair, to the point of it falling out in clumps. I can’t be too sure but, I think shaving my hair down prior to starting treatment may have been a saving grace to prevent me from losing all of my hair in complete baldness - but don’t quote me to the doctor on this!
With that being said - prepare for hair loss in patches. The hair does not always fall out evenly, instead, it may look patchy where some areas of your hair stay the same, and other areas fall out - also the case for me. My hair immediately started shedding along my hairline and in some random spots across my head - not sexy, I know.
Although I cut my hair low, it got lower. I didn’t really notice at first until about 2-3 weeks after starting treatment and noticing my hair would shed right into my hands or the sink when brushing away. Having pictures to compare and contrast also helped.
Due to the random hair patches and unevenness I get my hair cut low at least biweekly - or whenever my busy bae has time to shave me up. I must say that having a boyfriend or loved one as your personal barber can be quite comforting and special during this journey. After my first cut by my hairstylist, my second cut was by my brother’s barber. I had no issue going to the salon and getting a cut, however, it’s nowhere near as warm and cozy as having a loved one line me up at home and remind me of my beauty, especially during a time when I don’t feel so beautiful. Not to add - getting a haircut in public while nearly bald can feel a bit intimidating.
Despite the feelings of intimidation and unattractiveness… there are ways to feel a bit prettier… like dressing up, putting on makeup, getting a cut or... wearing a wig. Now I am not your wig expert. I personally hate wigs and have always hated wigs. But I know the girlies have the wig game on lock so maybe you all can teach me a thing or two. In the meantime, I’ve tried a few wigs against my will (ok, dramatic). I’ve ordered two wigs from Amazon and have gotten one personally made by my hairstylist. The pixie wig from Amazon, too wiggy. My hairstylist cut it down a bit for me, which helped, however, as a true pixie girl, it’s just not for me. The silver lining - it gives me sideburns and looks great when worn under a hat or scarf. The pixie wig that was made for me was much better. It certainly made me feel like my old self - to an extent. I say to an extent because I played around in color and tried a blonde that I’ve never tried before - but what better time than now to try new colors? Oh and the Amazon bob wig? Let’s not even discuss it as it’s still in the bag that it arrived in 😕.
But speaking of hats and scarves - welcome them. Embrace them. Add them to your fashion. Now is the time to have fun and dress up in ways you’ve never dressed before and try new things. Thanks to my family and friends I’ve been blessed with a plethora of scarves during this journey. On the flip side, scarves cannot replace my pixie so it gets a bit repetitive, but I’m embracing it and you should too. Add colorful scarves to your look, buy luxury scarves and hats and even wear them together sometimes. See how I’ve worn a few of my scarves and hats below.
Even as a baldie or if rocking a low haircut, remember to wash your hair. Research suggests using gentle and mild shampoos and conditioners with sunscreen to protect your skin. It’s also suggested to wash your hair (or scalp in some cases) every 3-4 days.
As mentioned earlier, your hair may grow into a different texture. Although I am still walking through this journey I’ve already noticed that I have two different hair textures. One half of my hair which is the much thinner side, has a much softer hair texture that lays flat with new baby hairs. The back of my head still looks like my natural hair texture. I don’t know what this means and what the end result will be but i’m interested and a bit excited to see what my new hair will look like. So if you’re a baldie, embrace the fact that the other side of this may include a softer hair texture and/or thicker hair.
Lastly, remember that, with or without hair or eyebrows or lashes… you are still beautiful, because you are not your hair.
