HAPPY GERIATRIC BIRTHDAY TO ME!
As I sit and write this a few weeks before my 35th birthday, I can’t help but to feel a sense of bitter sweetness. This is not the feeling I’d like to have as I approach a monumental birthday during a pivotal moment in my life - how dare I feel even the slightest sense of bitterness when I get to celebrate another year on this earth after such a life shaking health diagnosis?! How dare I not focus on the blessings that the Lord has given me…Except that I am focused on my blessings and I am grateful for my blessings and I’m most certainly grateful to see another year around the sun during such a challenging time in my life.
However…
The truth is… it saddens me to know that I am entering the year of the biological clock, the big… 3 5, the year that you should have babies by… the year that starts the term “geriatric pregnancy” aka the “advanced maternal age” for those expecting at 35 years & older. The age that my oncologist does not want me to experience childbirth at.
Let me elaborate: Prior to having chemo treatment #8, I met with my doctor to discuss how things were going and I questioned her on how long she’d recommend I wait before trying to conceive. The answer: 2 years. Hmph. Not the answer I wanted to hear - understandable - but ughhhh. That puts me at the tender geriatric age of 37 years old TO START my family planning. I know I may be a bit dramatic because nothing about me feels old or geriatric or senior citizen ish - well except the fact that I have doctor appointments every other week - but 37?!?!?!! Two more years?! Possibly giving birth at 38?!?! As if I haven’t given this dutty diagnosis enough of my time?! Yea, that’s the feeling. Very unexciting.
Oh but it get’s better. At the start of the year, prior to beginning my treatments, I FROZE MY EGGS. Yes, I froze my eggs, so realistically I have a back up plan. So what am I upset about?! I don’t know. Maybe it’s a desire to have something that I can’t obtain right now so I feel limited in my options or because I don’t actually want to go through IVF and would prefer to conceive naturally or because a cancer diagnosis at the age of 34 (or any age for that matter) sucks.
These are just a few of my audacious thoughts. A preview of the mind of a 34 year old woman receiving chemotherapy. A 34 year old woman who froze her eggs but wants children naturally. A 34 year old woman that is approaching her 35th birthday at a crucial stage in her life and should therefore, be grateful.
With all that I already have going on in my life you’d think I’d be more focused on the present goal, to heal, rather than the future goal of having children, right? Quite the audacity, huh?! But I’d like to call that faith rather than audacity.
As I continue to hold onto my faith I rest assured that God has BIG plans for me, bigger than I can imagine. So I’ll take a p a i g e out of Mother Mary’s book and remain faithful in His plans for me knowing that anything is possible with God by my side.
So celebrate with me as I hang up the bitterness and rest in the sweetness of 35…
… Happy Gracious Birthday to Me!
“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”
If you are in your childbearing age and have experienced similar frustrating thoughts please share, release and relate to me as we figure out our next steps…
COMMENT BELOW
